The Daddy Diary 2: The Correlations

A positive correlation exists between the number of medical staff in your daughter’s hospital room and your resting heart rate. When I walked in the first thing in the morning and saw six people in scrubs hovering around my daughter, my resting heart rate hit 3312. So, roughly 552 bps (beats per scrub). That’s a rough estimate because the heart rate monitor on the Apple Watch Series IV only has three digits. It wasn’t designed for parents with children in the cardiac ICU. Maybe the Series V will have four digits. Can someone connected to Tim Cook please forward this post to him?

Apparently, there is also a positive correlation between the length of your stay in the hospital and the length of your lawn. I’m pretty sure I saw a family of wildebeests grazing in the backyard as I left this morning. Here’s to hoping the HOA police are seeing my posts and feeling sympathetic and lenient.

There is an inverse relationship between my blood pressure and the wi-fi speed in the hospital. This has a correlation with causation. My systolic is currently 319 because our download speed is .00002 kpd (kilobytes per day).

Also, an inverse correlation exists between the size of the medical apparatus attached to your child and the size of your world. The bigger the apparatus, the smaller your world. With this particular apparatus, my world is confined to the four walls of this hospital room. Nothing that happens outside this room really matters to me except Ella, and Aunt Amy has that covered. Apparently, little Ella will not want to come home after being completely spoiled at Camp Evans.

Things that would normally bother me, but wouldn’t faze me right now:

• The Dow dropping 10,000 points. (Note to my clients: If that happens, our rules-based tactical investing model will protect your investments).
• The Mavericks waiving Luka Doncic. Ok, that’s a lie. That would bother me, but I can wait for the start of the NBA season to deal with that.
• Our bulldog chewing every single piece of furniture in the house (Who are we kidding? He’s already done that)
• Trump placing a tariff on Peanut M&Ms
• Trump placing a tariff on Guinness

Not only does this apparatus keep my daughter alive before and after her surgery, but we also used it to launch a satellite into space and take atmospheric readings of Mars. I’m sure this setup uses about the same amount of energy as a Clark Griswold Christmas light show. I’m just waiting for the insurance company to tell us that the electricity provider is technically out of network, and I’m going to have to sell both cars and my left kidney to cover the bill. Luckily, I’m already in a hospital so the kidney removal can be done onsite.

Lastly, there’s a positive correlation from the numbers of wires and tubes hooked up to my baby girl to the number of times I’ve prayed that I could trade places with her.

The worst part of parenthood = seeing your child in pain and/or distress when there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

The best part about parenthood = everything else.