What Can Brown Do For You?

More Outtakes and Deleted Scenes

We knew Audrey had a heart defect before she was born, so we were prepared for that.   We weren’t prepared for everything else that followed.  It seemed like the standard operating procedure was for a doctor to come in our room, kick me in crotch, and then give us some bad news.  Then, as soon as I had adjusted to the donkey kick pushing my testicles through the back of my head, another doctor would come in, kick me in the crotch and give us more bad news.

Wash.  Rinse.   Repeat.

On day four, a doctor came in and said he was concerned that Audrey had Hirschsprung’s  disease.  As if we didn’t have enough to worry about already.  I asked him why he thought she had this disease.  He said that she hadn’t pooped in 4 days, and he was getting concerned.   

I said “Seriously?  Four days, that’s it?  Have you met the women in my family?   That’s nothing.  Go sell your defect somewhere else, we’re all stocked up here.”

Undeterred by my pseudo-sarcasm, he began to inspect my daughter and describe the test that he wants to run.   At this point, I’m pretty sure that Audrey heard him, and she was sick and tired of being poked and prodded.  So, as the doctor was inspecting her, she decided that this was the perfect time to end the four-day streak.  She released enough tar-like substance to repave levels 1-3 of the Children’s Medical Center Parking Garage.

Test this, Doc.

As she did this, the four adults in the room clapped and cheered.  Yes, we applauded poop.   This is where I live now.