My Happy Place

Things I’ve learned during the shelter in place:

1. People who own big, exotic cats are bats–t crazy, and Carol Baskin is guilty of murder.

2. The fact that people are hoarding toilet paper to deal with a respiratory virus makes me think that the vast majority of our country failed human biology in high school. If this were a gastrointestinal virus, I would be judging them a lot less.

3. People seem to like walking their dogs and riding their bikes all of a sudden.

4. It only takes a vigorous seven-mile run everyday to work off the calories of all the beer I’ve been drinking. Note: I’m not doing this for me, I’m just trying to support our local breweries. I’ve got your back, Peticolas and Community Brewery.

5. Virtual happy hours aren’t as much fun as in-person happy hours, but my tabs are much lower.

6. My bulldog must always keep a turd loaded in the chamber because he can fire off a revenge poop within 5 seconds anytime he feels like his authority is threatened. He’s even learned to fire one off whenever Ella gets put in timeout. I appreciate the fact that he wants to protect his sister and I wanted them to bond, but this isn’t what I had in mind.

7. My toddler has a lot of energy.

8. I miss Mambo Taxis (this is directly related to the previous two bullet points).

9. Sometimes the uniform of a superhero doesn’t have a cape, it has the name of a grocery store on it.

10. Going two months without a haircut is not a good look for me.

10. The reason I haven’t written the great American novel isn’t a lack of time. I’m still on page 1. If shelter in place runs until 2038, I might have a nice short story by then. Or maybe just a well-crafted haiku.

11. There are a lot of people making predictions about the stock market that have absolutely no idea what they are talking about.

Last week, I heard an investment advisor say he was loading up on casino stocks. His thesis – once everything is back to normal, men are going to flock to Vegas because they will be tired of being cooped up with their families. For the record, I love me some Vegas, and there are few places I’d rather be than at a craps table when the dice are hot. But you can have Vegas and make me stay home with my girls anytime. I’ve learned that the happiest place on the planet isn’t Disney World. It’s this chair. This chair right here.