The Daddy Diary
Musings on Babies, Bulldogs, and Beer
The Complete Guide to Screwing Up Your Children – Volume One
A couple of weeks ago, after hearing Ella say that she wanted a drink to make herself feel better, I began to examine my parenting practices more closely to see how else I was messing up (and sometimes corrupting) my daughter. If I ever get my first book published, I’m already working on a sequel, “The Complete Guide to Screwing Up Your Children.” I have so much material from my own experience, that by the time my kids go off to college, this book will have more volumes than the Encyclopedia Britannica.
I read a book on child development that said you can give your child two things to help prevent tantrums – attention and control. Attention is not a problem. I can hang out with my kids all day and never get bored. I can never give them too much attention. I’ve learned that is not true with control. I let Ella pick out her outfit and dress herself for school now. One morning, she picked out her outfit and got dressed, so I assumed everything was fine. She obviously didn’t need Daddy’s help, or so I thought. When I came back from dropping her off at school, I saw her panties lying on the floor of her room. Ella decided to go commando to school that day. I immediately got down on my knees and thanked God that she chose to wear pants instead of a dress that day. That might be the only time in my life that 50/50 odds worked out in my favor.
Also, while performing our after-Christmas toy inventory, I came across this item. It was included in a box labeled, “Children’s Science Set.”
Yep, I bought my daughter her first beer bong. I could start my own line of children’s toys labeled, “Children’s Frat Party starter kit.” Each box will include a bong, a recipe for trash can punch, and a bottle of Boone’s Farm for those kids who prefer wine. The rest of the box will contain bad decisions and semi-permanent regret.
Then, at a family holiday gathering, we let Ella drink sparkling grape juice from a wine flute so that she could fit in. I’m trying to teach her the valuable lesson that if everybody else is doing something then it must be cool so you should do it too. I will include this photo in another book, “The Power of Yes: How to be Popular by Caving to Peer Pressure.”
It takes a village to corrupt a child. Since we don’t do anything halfway in our house, I brought in a professional, Aunt Amy. We let Ella enjoy a day at Camp Evans where Aunt Amy took her to get her first mani/pedi. She was so proud of her nails and new toy ring, that she proudly displayed them to the world.
Aunt Amy drops the mic and walks off.
One Comment on “The Complete Guide to Screwing Up Your Children – Volume One”
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The Daddy Diary 
You made me laugh out loud, and I needed that! My dogs were confused, but oh well. At least she was showing off her beautiful new ring unlike my granddaughters who always seem to get that finger hurt! Priceless. Oh, and by the way, I will buy a copy of your Daddy Diary-The Encyclopedia for Dads of Any Age!!!! Just say when.
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