Looking Behind the Scar

I haven’t posted in quite a while. Let me explain why.

I read the following article, and it punched me right in the chest.

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/first-deaf-bachelor-contestant-abigail-heringer-disability-doesnt-define-her-200047127.html

I’ve never watched The Bachelor, so I was late to the game on this one, but the show had its’ first deaf contestant. The article discusses the fact that people with disabilities don’t want to be defined by their disability.

I have a tendency to define someone by one or two traits. I’m sure people do it to me as well. People have a hard time seeing past my incredible parallel parking skills, but I am more than just a guy with freakish spacial awareness.

An athlete is just someone who plays a sport. A musician is just someone who plays music. A Kardashian is just, well, you know. That’s why someone is okay telling Lebron James to “shut up and dribble.” After all, he is a basketball player and nothing more. He can’t possibly have a valuable opinion on anything other than basketball. I’m guilty of this, too. I’m always surprised when a former football player runs for political office. I assume he can’t do anything useful without a helmet on.

And a person with disabilities is just a person with disabilities. They are just a missing limb. They are just a wheelchair. They are just someone walking slowly in the mall and delaying my quest to double my cholesterol count at Cinnabon. Maybe they are people too. Maybe they have the same thoughts, frustrations, and worries that we all do. Everyone is wired differently, but we are alike in so many ways.

I had to ask myself if my writing was reducing Audrey down to her disabilities.

I write about how amazing she is with her walker or the fact that she is walking without it now. I write about how much joy I feel when I see her eat, hoping that one day we will be able to remove her feeding tube. I write about how amazing it is that a child with four heart defects only has to see the cardiologist once a year because her heart is doing so well. I write about how she still makes vocal noises (no actual words yet) and she probably would’ve stopped doing that by now if she couldn’t hear anything.

It took about a month to give myself a little grace and understanding. Part of the reason I write these stories about her is because I’m just trying to understand her. I’m trying to figure out what it’s like living in her world. What it is like to not be able to hear? What is it like to learn to walk without being able to naturally balance yourself? What is it like to have a feeding tube sewn to your stomach?

Despite those thoughts, the more I get to know her, the less I think about her disabilities. I just think she’s a normal kid. I guess I define “normal” differently than most people, but she’s still just a kid. I rarely think about all the surgeries in her past. I rarely think about her feeding tube (unless it pops out of her stomach, then it’s all I think about). I rarely think about the fact that she may not be able to hear me.

I just think about how her smile can brighten the darkest of rooms. I think about how her laugh can calm any emotional storm that I am experiencing. I think about how she gives hugs with all four of her limbs (if you have been the recipient of one of her hugs, you know what I mean). I think she’s a cute, funny kid who plays with toys and likes to climb on Daddy and loves a good tickle fight.

In so many ways, she is just like her “normal” sister. I try to teach her a sign so she can communicate just like I tried to teach Ella how to say words. Audrey’s first steps without the walker brought me the same amount of joy as Ella’s first steps. And I get frustrated with Audrey’s pickiness as an eater, just like I do with Ella.

People with disabilities have the same needs, wants, desires, and as the rest of us. They just have a tougher path to getting to the same destination.

These thoughts have kept me up at night for several weeks, but they made me realize something – disabilities don’t define you, they just reveal your true character. If you truly want to know someone with disabilities, don’t focus on the scar on their chest, focus on what’s behind it.