The Longest Bridge

At just under 24 miles, the Lake Ponchartrain Causeway is the longest bridge in the United States. That is if you are measuring by distance. If you are measuring by anxiety production, the longest bridge in the United States is the pedestrian bridge connecting the parking garage to the hospital at Children’s Medical Center. As I walked across the bridge this morning, the classical conditioning kicked in and I felt the butterflies in my stomach awaken and start to flutter.

Today is surgery number 15 for Audrey. At least I think it’s 15. I feel like a bad parent because I honestly can’t remember how many times Audrey has been in surgery. And then you have to answer the question of whether a procedure like a cath lab counts as a surgery. So maybe it’s technically only 14. Anyway, the number is close to 15 however you define it.

This is just a tonsillectomy. Audrey has sleep apnea in addition to all her other complications. Poor girl can’t even get a good night’s sleep, and the doctors think removing her tonsils will help. We put a sleep tracker on her at night, and it’s not uncommon to look at it the next morning and see the monitor register that Audrey only slept for three hours. When I see her droopy head almost fall asleep at the breakfast table, I wish there was something I could do. Maybe this surgery is just the thing.

Waiting for your child to get out of surgery is always painful, even when the surgery is routine because low risk is not zero risk. That’s why I didn’t post this until after she was in recovery. It just isn’t worth potentially offending whatever god controls jinxes in the cosmos when it’s your child. And I know that nothing is routine with Audrey.

The pain of waiting while your child is in surgery is not a binary state, though. Some surgeries hurt more than others. Waiting during a tonsillectomy and waiting during open-heart surgery have a stark contrast in intensity. It’s like the difference between being punched in the chest and being shot in the chest.

Today is just a punch, and I can handle all the punches. I just don’t want to get shot again.