The Daddy Diary

For a girl who was never supposed to walk, Audrey gets around really well now. She runs around the house (sometimes at full speed), and she rarely falls anymore. She never has to use her walker, and her mobility has given her a new sense of independence. She climbs the stairs by herself and can reach things on shelves and counters.

We were told this is good for her development because now Audrey is able to explore her surroundings. The problem is that she likes to take her surroundings with her.

She has turned into the most adorable little kleptomaniac.

I know it’s not intentional, so I’m not going to press charges. She will grab something to examine and play with, and inadvertently take it with her until she sets it down, only God knows where. I know that when we move out of this house, we will find a stash of Airpods, remote controls, computer mice, and various other objects that haven’t been reported missing yet.

I have found my AirPods on the kitchen counter, inside a candle holder, and inside her mouth. Luckily, AirPods will beep when you try to find them. Unfortunately, most kitchen utensils do not.

I can’t get mad at her because she doesn’t know what she is doing and because she’s so cute, but it can be frustrating. Try to change the channel on the TV without a remote control? Frustrating. About to hop on a Zoom meeting for work and can’t find your mouse? Frustrating.

I was making dinner one night last week, and for the life of me, I could not find the kitchen strainer. I was positive that I put it right next to the sink, but it wasn’t there. “Where the heck did I put it?” I thought to myself. Then, I walked over to the couch and saw my little angel chewing on the strainer with a huge smile on her face.

Now, every day we play several rounds of our new, fun, family game “Did I forget where I put it, or did Audrey take it?” Sometimes a full round of play might take an hour because I honestly don’t know if I simply forgot where I put something, which is highly likely these days. Some rounds end in a draw because, after an intensive search, I still don’t know the answer, and those rounds will only be scored when we move out and find her stash.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go find where I put my reading glasses, or . . .

Sometimes I read a quote or hear an interview and think, “Man, I wish I said that.” That’s exactly what I said to myself when I saw this interview with Bob Odenkirk.

As of eight years ago today, I don’t wonder what my purpose is anymore. Thanks to you, Ella, the only time I ask “Why am I here? is when I walk into a room and realize two seconds later that I have no idea why I entered the room in the first place.

If life were a video game, I would need a cheat code to create your character, Ella. Every time I think I couldn’t be more impressed with you, you ask me a question that I have to spend an hour researching. You make my smiles bigger, my laughs deeper, and my joys higher.

The best days of my life began October 5, 2017. If I accomplish nothing else in my life except being a Daddy to you and Audrey, it all would have been worth it.

Happy Birthday, Ella!

“Daddy, I don’t think I like bacon anymore.”

Wait. What? I’m pretty sure those words have never been uttered in the history of mankind. She might as well have said, “Daddy, I don’t think I like oxygen anymore.”

Ella dropped that bomb on me last week. When she said it, I was shocked. This was the same little girl who proclaimed on the first day of the Disney Cruise, “All you eat bacon every day? I could get used to this.”

When Ella was a toddler, she was the best eater. We only fed her healthy food for the first few years, and she would eat all her vegetables every time we fed her. One time when she was about three years old, she asked for more kale at dinner. Kale. Who the heck asks for more kale?

She was the cutest little garbage disposal. She would eat anything we put on her plate. And she never complained.

And then it all changed.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when her dietary preferences changed, but I’m pretty sure it’s when we introduced her to the greatness of the Pop-Tart. After that, she had no need for vegetables or anything even remotely containing a single nutrient, not even her previously beloved kale.

Ever since the fateful Pop-Tart discovery, she has turned into the pickiest eater. Her diet has devolved into an anti-Paleo program consisting of four food groups: Processed carbs, cheese, sugar, and chocolate.

Picky is one thing, but not liking bacon? Ella used to be a bacon addict. Her love for bacon made meth addiction look like a take-it-or-leave-it proposition. Maybe she developed a bacon tolerance, and it no longer has the same effect on her.

But bacon was my go-to protein source. Outside of bacon, I think the only protein she has eaten in the last three years is the hamburger patty in a Justaburger kid’s meal, which she requests almost daily. As bad as bacon is for you, at least it has protein, so I was a little sad when she made her fateful declaration.

Even though college-aged Andy would disagree, you shouldn’t eat at Whataburger every day. So, the quest for a second protein source begins . . .

I think a good morning routine will help you get charged up emotionally, physically, and mentally. I said in my last post that the best way to start a day is getting high-fives and hugs from children. That definitely got me charged up emotionally. Over the last two weeks, I discovered two other methods to start my day to get me charged up physically and mentally. Feel free to give them a try if you wish.

Method 1: Taking your dog for a walk at 5 am will get you charged up physically, and the timing is important here. Leaving this early will increase the chances that you will be the first person to walk this particular path this morning. That will ensure that any spider webs that were spun during the night will still be intact when you come through. If you are fortunate enough, you will get to experience the joy of walking through a spider web that covers your entire body. Then, as the thought “How big a spider did it take to spin that web?” starts to enter your mind, you realize that you don’t have to ask that question because the spider in question will be crawling down your neck.

There are plenty of methods to get your blood flowing in the morning, but none will prove to be as effective as this one. Your dog will look at you and ask, “What the hell is the matter with you?” as you wildly gesticulate for five minutes to prove to yourself that the spider is no longer on you. Then, for the last half mile of your trek, you get to stop every ten feet to perform the “Is the spider still on me?” dance. I have taken numerous showers and changed clothes countless times since that day, but I’m still not convinced that the spider is no longer on me.

You could drink an extra cup of coffee or fire off a few jumping jacks to wake yourself up in the morning, but I assure you, none of the other methods you have ever tried will prove as effective as this one at hitting your maximum heart rate.

Method 2: Go for a run early in the morning and try to hit your cruising speed on the sidewalk of a major street. That will ensure that you startle a group of bunnies and make them scatter. Two of the bunnies will scurry under the fence, but the third bunny will run into the street. Now, if you are running early enough, there won’t be much traffic, but it only takes one. It only takes one unfortunately placed Chrysler going well over the stated speed limit to send the bunny to an immediate death. Nothing will wake you up like watching a bunny hop straight into the grill of an oncoming sedan.

The silver lining here is that when you start your day watching a bunny explode, the rest of your day has nowhere to go but up. And no matter how bad things get in your life, you always have a mantra to give you perspective throughout your day.

Somebody cut you off in traffic? “At least I’m not watching a bunny explode.”

Your a–hole boss giving you a hard time? “At least I’m not watching a bunny explode.”

Your football team blows a 14-point fourth-quarter lead? “At least I’m not watching a bunny explode.”

So, if you are looking for a new way to wake yourself up in the morning, you could try incorporating spiders and exploding bunnies into your morning routine.

I had just sat down at a pub to join some friends, and the waitress set down my freshly-poured Guinness. Instead of reaching for my pint, I reached for my phone because I saw that Michelle was calling.

I just knew.

When a routine sonogram told us that Audrey’s heart defect would require open-heart surgery after she was born, I knew that nothing was going to be normal with this girl. Audrey’s due date was three weeks away, but as soon as I picked up the phone, Michelle said, “My water just broke, you need to come home.”

I reached for my wallet to pay the waitress, and one of my friends said, “What are you doing? We’ll take care of your tab. Get out of here.”

I was so nervous driving home that it felt like my stomach was doing back flips over my butt. I remembered being nervous before Ella was born, but this was different. This wasn’t a good nervous. This was “is my child going to die” nervous. I had no idea what to expect.

If it had only been a heart defect.

It wasn’t a heart defect; it was four heart defects. It wasn’t four heart defects; it was five other birth defects.

I can’t remember which doctor said it first, but the medical staff told us Audrey’s condition was “Incompatible with life.”

Well, 17 surgeries, countless sessions of every type of therapy, and enough medications to kill a 1980s rock star later, here we are.

They said she probably wouldn’t live, but she did.

They said she wouldn’t be able to see, but she can.

They said she probably wouldn’t be able to walk, but she does.

Audrey hasn’t won every battle, but she is winning the war. It’s been the toughest six years of my life, but I would do it all over again because this is what “Incompatible with life” looks like – Audrey style.

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl!

P.S. Audrey owes me a beer

Field Day is a momentous event at Ella’s school. And 2025 will always be the day that Daddy ruined Field Day.

Barksdale Field Day is quite a spectacle. Hundreds of parents volunteer to see their kids compete in a dozen activities. It is the epitome of parental joy to watch your child run the three-legged race, stumble through the obstacle course, and slide down the slip and slide, all performed with an enormous smile on their face.

The day started out great. Ella and I put on our official Field Day shirts and walked to the bus stop. As we walked to the bus stop, Ella proclaimed, “It’s Field Day. This is the best day ever.”

Field Day starts with an Olympic-style processional as each grade walks to the starting line in matching team t-shirts. As the first graders marched toward the start, Ella saw me and jumped up and down yelling, “Daddy! Daddy! It’s Field Day!”

I volunteered to man the slip and slide, which was Ella’s second event of the day. Her first two runs were great as she grabbed a floaty and zoomed down the hill laughing the entire way.

And then disaster struck. On her third run, she asked, “Daddy, can you give me a push?” She sat on top of an inner tube, and I came in behind her and gave her a shove. She barely made it a few feet down the slide when she fell off the back of the tube and landed flat on her back. She landed so hard that it knocked the wind out of her.

I remember the panic that sets in the first time you get the wind knocked out of you. You think you are going to die. So did Ella. She started crying and yelled, “Daddy, am I going to live?”

There is no worse feeling than looking at your child’s tear-soaked eyes as she wonders why you tried to kill her.

I would love to tell you that Ella got over it, but that’s not how Ella processes trauma. She wasn’t the same for the rest of Field Day. When I picked her up from the bus after school, she handed me her backpack and walked to the house without saying a word to me. She seemed fine by the time we started our Friday ritual of getting ice cream after school, but I think that had more to do with the ice cream than with me.

I certainly haven’t mastered this parenting thing. Sometimes I try as hard as I can and still lose. I just hope when it is all said and done that I can count more victories than losses. I’m going to take the “L” on Field Day 2025. Now, I need some major victories to make up for this. This was Field Day. I didn’t lose a pre-season warm-up. I just lost a playoff game at home.