The Daddy Diary
Musings on Babies, Bulldogs, and Beer
The Longest Bridge
At just under 24 miles, the Lake Ponchartrain Causeway is the longest bridge in the United States. That is if you are measuring by distance. If you are measuring by anxiety production, the longest bridge in the United States is the pedestrian bridge connecting the parking garage to the hospital at Children’s Medical Center. As I walked across the bridge this morning, the classical conditioning kicked in and I felt the butterflies in my stomach awaken and start to flutter.
Today is surgery number 15 for Audrey. At least I think it’s 15. I feel like a bad parent because I honestly can’t remember how many times Audrey has been in surgery. And then you have to answer the question of whether a procedure like a cath lab counts as a surgery. So maybe it’s technically only 14. Anyway, the number is close to 15 however you define it.
Read more: The Longest Bridge Read MoreFather’s Day
“What do you want to do for Father’s Day?” Michelle asked.
“Nothing,” I replied
This is my sixth year as a Father, but I don’t see Father’s Day as a day for me. It still feels like it’s supposed to be a day for my dad, and I haven’t been able to spend it with him for the last eight years.
I remember spending the week before his funeral at my parents’ house with Amy and Scott. Mom asked all three of us to speak at his funeral, and we spent many hours that week remembering and telling stories about our Dad. The hardest part about speaking at his funeral was knowing that we would have to leave out some of the best stories. If we took the time to tell all the great stories about him, we would still be talking. The man gave us endless material.
Read more: Father’s Day Read MoreBrace Yourself
Frequently my mind goes back to the first few months we spent in hospital after Audrey was born. After each new diagnosis, I prayed, “Please let this be all for her.” Each time I prayed, I never got the answer that I wanted.
And I still don’t.
In addition to all her other issues, we recently learned that Audrey has a curvature of her spine, or two curvatures to be precise. This little girl doesn’t do anything halfway. The curvatures are bad enough that she has to wear a torso brace. If we are lucky, she will only have to wear it for about 10 years. It beats having to wear it for the rest of her life or have surgery, so I will take the ten years if we can get it. The only way I can deal with having a child with multiple disabilities is to take small victories when you can get them.
Read more: Brace Yourself Read MoreI Saw the Sign
When I was single, my three biggest fears were:
- Driving a minivan
- Living in the suburbs
- Small children
I thought having any one of those would take away my soul. Now, I routinely drive a minivan through the suburbs chauffeuring around two small children. Instead of driving to meet friends at the local bar or restaurant, I now find myself driving to Kid’s Empire, KidMania, or Pinkberry. I remember dreading the day when I was going to have to tell my guy friends that we bought a minivan. Well, most of my guy friends are dads now, so when I told them about our new Chrysler Pacifica, they all said, “That’s a good idea. You are going to love it.” Boy, times have changed.
One year ago, we made the inevitable parental move to the suburbs. We were living in North Dallas at the time. It felt like the burbs, but I proudly told everyone that I still lived within the city limits of Dallas. It was the perfect situation for me because I could still be a dad and still think I was cool at the same time.
Having a deaf child changed all that. When we realized that Audrey would be in special education, I started asking my friends who worked in education for recommendations. My buddy Mike, a special ed teacher, said, “Go to Plano. They take special ed to another level.”
Read more: I Saw the Sign Read MoreTake My Advice
If I could give advice to anyone on how to get ahead in life it would be “Be Cute.” You can get away with anything if you are cute enough. I’m speaking from observation here, not experience.
Nobody used to tell me Gus was cute when they saw him.
But when Gus was a puppy, his cuteness was not a matter of opinion. You couldn’t help but gush over Gus.
When you look like that, you can get away with anything. When Gus was a puppy, there were countless incidents where he chewed or peed on something. Sometimes he would chew something and then pee on it. Sometimes he would pee on something and then chew it. Each time I wanted to strangle him, but how can you strangle that face? Maybe God made puppies cute so we wouldn’t kill them.
Read more: Take My Advice Read MoreShots Anyone?
Sometimes you have to do something that makes a child cry even though it is good for them. That’s why I make Ella watch Dallas Cowboys’ playoff games with me. I’m getting her used to disappointment at an early age so it won’t hurt as much when she’s older. She will thank me someday.
The same principle applies when I give Audrey shots. It makes her cry, but I do it because it’s good for her. Maybe someday when she’s old enough, I’ll be on vacation with Audrey and I’ll buy her a shot of tequila. For now, the only shot I give her is by jamming a needle in her leg.
When Audrey came home from the hospital for the first time, she had to be put on a blood thinner. Every day for several months we had to squeeze her little thigh and inject Lovenox into her leg. It broke my heart the first time I gave her the shot. As soon as the needle went in, her lower lip swelled up and she started crying. I don’t know which hurt more, the first time I gave her the shot and she cried or the first time I gave her the shot and she didn’t cry. I couldn’t imagine what it must be like to be four months old and so used to being stuck with a needle that you don’t cry anymore.
Audrey is itty bitty, and unless you knew her story, you would never guess that she is four years old. Many kids with CHARGE Syndrome have this problem, so we knew that someday we would probably have to give her growth hormones. I just didn’t know that I would be the one doing the injections.
So, Michelle and I went to the pharmacist to get trained on how to give growth hormone shots. During the training, Michelle asked the pharmacist if we needed to apply a Band-Aid after the injection. The pharmacist said, “Oh, no. You won’t need to do that.”
She was wrong.
Read MorePart of Your World
One of the great things about being a girl dad is I’ve had the pleasure of watching The Little Mermaid 1438 times since Ella was born. And for each 24-hour period following each viewing, I’ve been asked to say “Alexa, play Under the Sea” so many times that Alexa eventually says, “Again? Don’t you want to listen to something else?” Or maybe it was Michelle saying that.
Sometimes song lyrics get stuck in my head and I have no control over the song. On a good day, it’s “Free Fallin'” by Tom Petty. On a bad day, it’s “Achy Breaky Heart.” On the worst of days, it’s “Macarena.” But one set of lyrics runs through my head almost every day –
Read MoreDear Dad
Dear Dad,
It was seven years ago today that you went to heaven. Sometimes it seems like forever ago, and sometimes it seems like yesterday. I will never forget that Thanksgiving day when Amy called me and said I needed to come to the hospital because we had to meet with hospice. Everyone knows what the word means. I couldn’t believe it was really happening, and part of me still can’t believe it seven years later. Thanksgiving is always a little tough because you aren’t here.
Read MoreThis Too Shall Pass
I wrote this a couple of months ago, but I never posted it because I didn’t think it was good enough. It was just okay, but I wanted it to be perfect. I spent days trying to make it better, but I just couldn’t do it, so I just gave up. Last week, I finished reading “Hidden Potential” by Adam Grant, and he wrote that your goal should be excellence, not perfection. It reminded me of a quote by Voltaire – “Perfect is the enemy of the good.”
If “good” is the best you can do, then that is good enough. Even the best hitters don’t hit a home run every time they step up to the plate.
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Read MoreHappy Birthday, Ella
Six years ago today, you made me a daddy. Anyone who says there is no such thing as love at first sight wasn’t there when you were born. My heart melted the first time I saw your face. You had me at hello. And even though I watched you change colors 16 times in the first two minutes of your life, I thought you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
You started a new chapter in my life that was infinitely more enjoyable than the previous chapters. I haven’t experienced a dull moment in the past six years. You’re the one who stumps me with questions like, “Daddy, how do you eat ice cream if you don’t have a tongue?” and “Daddy, do mosquitos like music?
You keep me on my toes with questions like, “Daddy, can you drive faster so I don’t poop my panties?”
You show you are concerned about social etiquette when you ask, “Daddy, do you have to say excuse me if you toot in the bathroom?”
Your scientific curiosity never ends when you ask, “Daddy is there gravity in water?”
“Yes, sweetheart, there is gravity in water.”
“Then how do ducks float? you ask your daddy who was not prepared to explain buoyancy and displacement to a five-year-old.
You take songs that are a staple of childhood and make them more interesting with your version. Take, for example, “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes. And Vagina.” I have no idea where you came up with that addition to that children’s classic, and I’m never going to ask.
Your steel trap memory keeps me honest. “Daddy, you promised last night that if I went to bed on time I could have chocolate cake for breakfast.” Yep, I did promise. And you had chocolate cake for breakfast.
You make me proud when I hear that a boy in your class got in trouble for talking in the lunch line, and you went up to your teacher later and said, “Mrs. Kloub, I was the one who was talking. I’m the one who should be in trouble.” Your honesty won’t help your poker game, but at least I know you’ll never be a politician.
I would totally understand if you harbored some resentment toward Audrey because she will always get more attention than you, but you do the exact opposite. Nobody shows Audrey more love than her big sister. You are the proudest big sister and love introducing everyone to Audrey, even when that person is a stranger at the mall walking in the opposite direction.
You are only six, but you have never met a stranger. You will walk up to anyone, introduce yourself, and start a conversation. It doesn’t even matter when that someone is the school Principal at the school picnic when he is talking on his cell phone. We will work on the social awareness skills later, but for now, I applaud your bold spirit.
And I have to thank you because I never wrote anything meaningful until I met you, and you give me so much great material that I don’t think I’m ever going to stop writing.
Happy Birthday, Ella!
The Daddy Diary 